


it does no good to the heart (to reminisce)

by AmyIssen



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Bonding, Character Study, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Pining, Pre-Half-Life: Alyx, spilling your feelings for your co-worker who you think has been dead for fifteen years or so
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-07
Updated: 2020-06-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:33:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24579871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmyIssen/pseuds/AmyIssen
Summary: Alyx is curious about Barney's past, specifically about his friendship with Gordon Freeman, and Barney is forced to remember things he's buried away long ago, both good and bad.
Relationships: Barney Calhoun & Alyx Vance, Barney Calhoun/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 14
Kudos: 208





	it does no good to the heart (to reminisce)

**Author's Note:**

> I've posted another fic in the span of a year? Who even am I anymore?!
> 
> Ok, so after Half-Life: Alyx was released, I finally fell head over heels with the one Valve series I'd never actually known much about, Half-Life. HLVRAI also hasn't helped. But FreeHoun just really grabbed my attention most of all, and I wanted to write something about Barney's feelings from a slightly younger Alyx's perspective because I love her too much.  
> I took some liberties with a bit of the lore, but I tried sticking to canon as much as I could. I'm still not super familiar with the finer nuances of the story, ahaha.  
> To kind of end this note, I want to leave big thanks to my sister for constantly rereading this as I wrote it, and making all sorts of fanart and playlists to keep me motivated, and also everyone on the HLVRAI server I'm in, you keep me sane in these trying times.

Just like that, things started to make a little more sense.

Alyx stood up from her bench and her eyes scanned over her current project. Sure, it could still use a little more work, but the satisfaction of creating something new still rolled over her. And it wasn't anything big by all means; the computers at Black Mesa East never were of the best quality, but they always worked well enough that they rarely needed a big fix or replacement. Their connection was lacking, though, and Alyx couldn't wait to surprise everyone with her enhancer tonight.

Given that it was done by then. And that it worked.

Running her finger through her hair, delicately at first, Alyx took deep breaths. But the movement grew faster and more annoyed, messing up her hair in the process as she walked over to the window for what felt like the tenth time in the past few hours. Barney was supposed to be here _at least_ thirty minutes ago. Not that it was the easiest task in the world for him to travel to her apartment without raising suspicion, but given the heavy rounds of patrolling Civil Protection was doing around her block, they agreed it'd be the safer bet for him.

Still, Alyx _hated_ to sit and wait.

By all means, she knew she was perfectly able to walk around the city with only the occasional cold stare from a guard, or getting lightly stalked by a drone. She _knew_ this city, better than anyone, she'd dare to say. Even if safety was more important, _dammit_ , it was annoying to be treated as a child by everyone around her.

She wasn't one to gloat, but Alyx believed in her own abilities and could rely on them very well. The bigger shame was… few people recognized it.

The one possible exception for that was the very man she was waiting for: Barney Calhoun.

He stood out from the other people in her life in many ways. Every time she needed a safe haven, a _real_ safe haven, beyond the walls that Black Mesa East offered, beyond her new, small, apartment that still didn't feel like home, beyond the Combine; whenever she wanted someone to talk who would truly listen, Barney was there.

And it wasn't like he was not a busy man with other more important things to do than to listen to a sixteen-year-old’s ramblings. He was the closest thing they had to a leader, always generous and attentive, bold and focused. Always looking for something to do, no matter how tired he was, working double-shift as the fiercest resistance member she knew; and undercover, getting information from the Metrocorp.

And yet, he always managed to squeeze in a little time for her, ever since she was a kid. He taught her so much about life before the Combine, about the games he played as a kid, funny jokes he still remembered, hopeful fairy tales he probably came up with on the spot **–** A beanstalk that reached the skies? Sure. **–** and good advice in general.

Still, Barney remained mysterious, in many ways. She always felt like there was a missing puzzle piece to him, _something_ that could crack the final layer she still hadn't figured out. She had her guesses but never wanted to pry. After all, he was entitled to his privacy. But there _was_ one thing that he hadn't told her about.

_"Delivery for Ms. Vance."_

Time sped up. Before the distorted voice of the Civil Protection guard could finish its sentence, Alyx had already bolted off her bench, kicking it in the door's direction. As she had already backed away, and unconsciously grabbed a screwdriver, she groaned.

"Fuck- _Barney_ what the hell?!"

" _Language_." He deadpanned through the voice filter, bending down to set the bench upright.

"Oh _that's_ rich, you swear all the time."

"Yeah, but I can't have your dad thinking you learned it from me."

His voice cleared as the helmet came off, revealing his familiar, kind face, framed by the doorway. His cheeky grin betrayed the previous monotone of the filter, and Alyx brushed him off.

"Real responsible, Barn. You got the chip?"

Barney answered by searching his pockets and throwing it at Alyx, who caught it easily. "It was not an easy find. I'm surprised you even knew you needed _this_."

"Oh, it wasn't easy, but I did my research. What we have is pretty barebones as is, but I could, and will, make a couple of improvements," she walked past him and closed the door "especially considering how it's been like that for years and if I didn't do it, someone eventually would. But, thank you."

Barney nodded, and replied vaguely with an "uh-huh" under his breath, while making his way into the apartment.

"The view from here is quite something."

Not good, not pretty, but definitely _something_. Alyx could agree with that; it definitely could be a lot worse. At least she got plenty of sunlight in the apartment, and the room was now covered by the heavy orange of the sunset. She leaned back by the door, smiling.

"Well, beats having to look at an empty alley every day."

"No, seriously, you scored a pretty good place for yourself," Barney said lightheartedly, gesturing around the space. "And you really made it your own."

She shrugged "Thanks, I guess."

At that, Barney stood back and stared at her, with a stance she quickly recognized as typical _Barney Concern:_ Crossed arms _,_ a slight pout, firm stare. But before he could begin the ' _You seem out of it today, Alyx'_ speech, she swiftly came up with an excuse.

"Hey, uh, Dad got me some coffee this week, for housewarming and whatnot, would you like some?"

Even if she was already on her way to make it before he could get a word out, Barney replied anyways. "Yeah. Yeah, sure I could use some coffee right now."

Truth be told, coffee from the end of the world wasn't exactly the greatest, or so had everyone told her a million times already, but Alyx never really minded it. She preferred tea, but that was harder and harder to come by these days. She explored the lower shelf of the small kitchen and produced the cleanest mugs she could find.

By the time she got back with the coffee, Alyx finally realized how weird and uncomfortable Barney looked in her tiny room, like a giant trying to fit into a dollhouse.

"You can sit down, you know." She pointed while handing him a small mug filled halfway with the, allegedly, repulsive coffee.

"Thanks, kid," Barney mumbled while struggling not to knock over her camera perched on the window, and searching for a chair. "So, you got anything you wanna talk about?"

Ok, _this was it_ , she thought. Clutching her own mug with barely enough strength to not break it, Alyx sat by her workbench again.

"Oh, not really. I mean, yeah but it's just… I was wondering if you could tell me about him."

Barney, who was already sitting down on a bench definitely too small for him, turned to her for a moment "About who?"

"Freeman."

His lips flattened into a tight smile. His grip on the mug seemed to tighten.

"What?"

"I - Uh… I wanted to know more about him."

"And where is this curiosity coming from, all of a sudden?"

"It's just-" Alyx looked away now, as if addressing her pet snark on the jar, sitting peacefully at the table. Crap. "You know how everyone talks about him; like he's our grand savior, and all I've ever heard was speculation from people who never even knew him! I know for a fact that he was real… and that he was flesh and bone, and that I even met him, once, but I think that people forget he's…" he was? "...Human."

She gathered the courage to look at Barney again, only to realize that he wasn't even facing her, instead, looking out of the window. But she kept going as if the words just couldn't stop coming out.

"I mean, I know the things my dad and Kleiner said about him, but they were… I don't know they worked together, Kleiner was his teacher; they didn't seem to be best friends. But _you…_ you _knew_ him. Dad said that you two seemed like each other's shadow. And yet you never talk about him. Ever."

If Alyx didn't know him better, she would have said he giggled at that, but Barney's laughter wasn't ever on the timid side. Barney always seemed to keep his best mood when talking to her, cracking jokes, helping her around the base, bringing her fun knick-knacks from a time long gone he found on patrol. A time he knew so intimately, and yet she knew so little of.

Deep down, she believed that what he did wasn't an act as much as it was probably a way to protect her. To help her believe that the world could be a little softer.

She muttered, as an afterthought, and to break the horrible silence that has set in. "You don't have to answer me, of course."

A smile still rested on Barney's face, she noticed, so very lost and out of place against his eyes, aggressively fixed on the horizon of City 17. He seemed to try and shake it off for a moment, but his smile didn't falter.

"Hah, Gordon. God, the things I could tell you about him. Have I ever told you how I met him?"

Alyx shook her head, leaning a bit to look at Barney more clearly.

"Ok, you see, I'd already known him, before we were actually friends. I mean, he was pretty hard to miss even before… everything. He was one of the younger scientists employed at Black Mesa; I'm pretty sure he was only a couple of years older than me. But that's as far as it went, we weren't friends yet."

Barney looked over, his voice sounding brighter, now matching his smile.

"One night, I get the graveyard shift. Along with some other guards, of course, but I spent most of it alone. Let me tell you Black Mesa was already pretty scary during the day but at night? That shit was terrifying, I kept hearing my own steps echoing down the corridors and thinking someone was after me."

Barney paused for a second too long at that, and Alyx wondered what he felt was better left unsaid.

"I don't even know what time it was at that point, but I had been done and ready to leave for a _while_ , plus with it being a Friday, technically Saturday, we would have to close the facility for the weekend. I get out of an elevator and I hear this _noise_ ; like something was banging on metal. I instantly freeze and grab my gun. I mean, the place was supposed to be empty, right? And the noise was erratic, it wasn't some mechanic failure. I round a corner and I see one of the offices has a light on."

Alyx interrupted. "Oh, boy."

"You're already ahead of me."

She waved a hand around as if that could help the laughter bubble down, while she covered her face with the other. "No, no, keep going."

He sighed, "I approach, with my gun down, but still alert. When I get there, through the little window on the door, I see him. _Gordon Freeman_ , looking scared, but relieved. Turns out he had locked himself in during the afternoon and hadn't realized it until it was time to go home. I think he must have been stuck there for at least 5 hours or so."

"No!" She put her hands over her mouth, mostly in shock, but also to muffle her laughter.

"Wait, no, I haven't gotten to the best part yet." He said, grabbing her shoulder. "Can't believe I missed this, anyone ever told you he's deaf?"

Alyx stopped and thought about that for a second. "I think my dad did, yeah! Probably once or twice."

"So, he was. Partially deaf, that is." He paused to gather his thoughts. "I know that he was _born_ deaf, but I don't remember if he got any kind of surgery or something. He could hear _some_ things, thanks to the hearing aids, but that's the most I can remember.

Alyx scrunched her nose at the mention of hearing aids; she couldn't say she was familiar with how they worked, but she got the gist. Some ideas were already storming in her head of possible ways to make ones with the material she had; with some hard-work, a deafened resistance member could really use that.

She spun in her chair and took a sip of the coffee. "Well, can't expect you to remember it all, old man."

"So the- _What!?"_ He snorted "When the hell did you get that attitude? Eli didn't teach you that."

"Come on, it's a joke!" Alyx said while trying to go back to work on the circuit board.

Barney rolled his eyes. "Okay, but I'm not excusing that again, young lady."

That earned him an earnest "Sorry!" from Alyx.

"Where was I…, okay, so he _could_ speak, contrary to popular belief, but mostly through sign language. I think he preferred that. I mean he was already super shy as it was."

"Shy?"

"Yep. He kept mostly to himself, that's why Isaac and Eli probably don't know much about him. He got to work, did what he was told, and got home without a peep. He didn't even have a _phone_ in his office, no wonder he couldn't even call for help. Poor guy was convinced he'd stay the whole weekend locked in.

I get there and I more or less immediately get what's going on, and I try talking to him through the door, asking if there was anywhere where I could get a spare key."

"So you found the key?"

Fiddling with his gloves, Barney did not answer.

"Oh, no. What did you do." Alyx deadpanned, fully ignoring her project now.

Barney smiled again, that same smile that looked more lost than truly amused.

"What happened was that Gordon and I clearly didn't know how to communicate yet. He kept signing and stopping himself when he remembered I couldn't understand it, mumbling what sounded like pure nonsense through the glass. I looked around the floor, searched everywhere it seemed sensible to look. Gordon looked tired, and frankly, more than a little pissed at me. So after, say, half an hour later I think 'To hell with it, I'm not leaving this guy here just because I can't find a _key.'_ And I just… motioned for him to get back and _smashed_ the glass window with my gun."

"You _shot_ the window?!"

"No, no!" Barney corrected a very incredulous Alyx. "I just _used_ the gun to break it, the windows there were, uh, surprisingly easy to break as I came to find out."

"And how did he react?"

"He was completely floored for a couple of seconds, staring at me with those big old green eyes, chin to the floor. And then he started _yelling_ at me. It took me a while to calm him down, but he was very anxious about the broken window. Didn't want it to be a stupid reason he got fired or whatever, even though I was the one that broke it in the first place."

"I'm assuming he didn't get fired then?" It was more of a statement than a question.

"Of course not, I came clean as soon as I could, and I didn't get in too much trouble over it. Everyone was more relieved than anything that I got him out of there."

Alyx smiled widely at that, and he continued as she turned his back to him.

"Long story short, if Kleiner ever told you he used to get locked in his office a lot," he winked "now you know who's to blame for it."

"Well, that sounds like a lot of fun." Alyx wiped a stray tear out of her eyes, still struggling to keep her laughter muted.

"After that, we were just thick as thieves. Looking back at it now, it's hilarious; we couldn't be more different. I mean, he's the _smartest_ man I've ever met and an absolute workaholic. Sometimes we were hanging out at my place, just talking about" he chuckled and bit his lip "y'know, whatever, and I'd catch him scribbling down some scientific mumbo jumbo I knew I couldn't possibly begin to understand in my lifetime. It was a miracle that we could even find things in common with each other, hell, let alone be friends!"

"And what _did_ you talk about." She teased.

Barney did a mock cheer with his mug towards the window. "The unbelievable. The downright impossible." He took a sip. "Motherfuckin' aliens."

"What?"

"Believe it or not I was a huge science fiction buff back in the day. You know," he made a weird face, "stories about things not too unlike the world as it is right now. Aliens, advanced technologies, government conspiracies. The concept might be a little lost on you."

Alyx nodded; it was.

"But we both loved that stuff, and we always tried to have movie nights whenever we had the time to do it, basically whatever tapes with subtitles we could get our hands on. We couldn't get enough of the classics: Alien, Terminator, Star Trek, The Thing, Star Wars - fuck - _Star Wars…_ " he pinched the bridge of his nose, "Gordon was looking forward to the third movie, guess we never got that."

His face went from a deep, concentrated frown to being suddenly relaxed, eyes still closed.

"Few people were willing to put up with my bullshit back then, and not a lot of people had the, I don't know… patience to deal with Gordon Freeman outside of work. We were an unlikely pairing, but we made it work."

The conversation stumbled into a pleasant silence, and Alyx sneaked a glance towards Barney's face. Against the fading golden light of the sun, he looked younger, more like the Barney she knew when she was a child. There was a soft quirk to his smile, seemingly reserved for each time Gordon's name left his lips.

"Sounds like you two got close very quickly." She mused out loud.

"Heh, it's pretty easy to get attached when you're living miles away from your family and all that, but also, to give Gordon some credit, he was good company. Our friendship was, ironically, my escape from the dread of work even though he was probably the poster boy for the company at that point."

Again, Alyx took some time to stand up and look over her project. Now, with the chip installed, and everything else in place, it was very likely that the enhancer would work like a charm. She got lost in her thoughts, planning every little detail of how she could sneak in earlier on Black Mesa East and get this bad boy up and running without ruining the surprise. Barney's voice snapped her out with just a few words.

"I still hate that I didn't think about him."

Alyx turned to him, a little startled after realizing how she left Barney by himself.

"I'm sorry?"

"When – when the resonance cascade happened, I remember that I..." Barney cleared his throat "To be fair I don't remember much of it. Those days felt like a complete shutdown; I remember everything I did, everyone I shot, every corner of Black Mesa I explored, every horrible thing I saw, but my one focus was getting out of there and saving as many people as I could. I don't remember feelings, as much as I remember the… fight or flight instinct. And I've felt terrible about this for so many years but I didn't think of Gordon. Not until the very last moment. And when I did he was just... Already gone."

Barney kept going, spitting the words out in a terrible, _sad_ voice, a voice she never would think could come out of him.

"And I know I should have. I should have thought about him. I should have looked for him, should have gone straight to the chamber after I regained my senses, should have tried _something._ Should have looked harder. But I didn't. I saw him in the morning, the world ended, and we didn't see each other again."

He stopped, and the finality of it hit like a gunshot to the stomach. Alyx sat back down.

Suddenly, she was hyper-aware of every noise around them; a couple of birds sang outside, someone was yelling down the street, a hiss of electricity crackled around her and the silence wasn't so warm anymore. Instead, it was biting cold. Suffocating.

"I know that this must be… hard to answer but," Alyx chewed the words after what felt like an hour before she spoke, but judging by Barney's face, he already knew what she was holding back "do you think he's really coming back? "

Barney took a quick glance at his mug, only half-drunk, and already growing cold, and downed the rest of it in one sip. Both of them winced, but he laughed it off, looking infinitely more tired.

"You're right; That _is_ a rough one."

He set down the mug slowly, making it land with no sound, and rubbed his neck slowly.

"Truth is, I don't know. I just don't know. The Vorts all keep saying that he will, and I'm very tempted to believe it, but I still don't know. I _know_ that I stopped wishing or hoping or _expecting_ for him to come back a long time ago. If he did it'd be a – Hm..." A pause. Inhale. "You know, it would be good. I'd be happy with that. He'd have a hell of a lot of questions to answer, but at the end of the day as long as he was here…"

Alyx didn't dare to interrupt his train of thought, the guilt of the conversation finally weighing in.

"If he was here maybe things wouldn't be instantly better. I don't believe that, no. The Gordon I knew was a problem solver. Very determined, disciplined, and smart, but also… very human. Human enough that I don't know what actually went down at Black Mesa. Human enough that maybe he didn't… maybe he…"

He trailed off, voice weak and so heavy that Alyx felt like she could hold it in her hands. After a couple of minutes, it became clear that that was the end of it, and that Barney didn't know how or just didn't want to finish that sentence.

"If it matters, I'm sorry I asked." Alyx offered, lamely.

His face conjured a pout as if to assure her that it was okay. But it wasn't, and he made a point of that by not really answering her.

"Yep." He stood up and stretched, and Alyx heard a very unpleasant-sounding crack coming from him "Thanks for the coffee, kid, but I oughta get going. You will be at the base tonight right?"

"Dad wouldn't let me hear the end of it if I wasn't."

A laugh, too low to be genuine. "That's true."

As the silence still traveled the air, he walked towards the door, but stopped.

"If you ever want to ask more, I'm all ears, you know?"

"… Nah, curiosity killed the cat. I _am_ really sorry for making you think, or, remember all that."

"Come on, don't worry about it, Al. Besides," he crooked his head, somehow playful all over again "satisfaction brought it back. It's better if some things are not forgotten."

Alyx smiled. They exchanged their goodbyes as Barney put his helmet back on and descended the hallway, assuming once again his posture as just another Civil Protection guard, nameless, obedient, and storyless.

She took comfort in the thought that couldn't be farther from the truth.

The door was closed and Alyx closed her eyes, now filled with an unexplainable emotion.

Her snark cooed at her from its cozy spot in the jar, and Alyx kneeled and looked at it for a moment. She had failed to name it yet, and still, the tiny thing seemed to know what was going through her mind.

To say she got more than she bargained for would be an understatement. Sure, she wasn't exactly proud of it, but she had a feeling a new door had been tentatively opened to her.

Before this, she wanted the Free Man's return; their mysterious savior, fated to rid earth of the Combine. Now she felt like someone needed Gordon Freeman more than anyone else on the planet.

And just like that, things started to make a little more sense.

**Author's Note:**

> So that was something, right? Hopefully? Thank you for reading!  
> (If you spot any grammar mistakes, feel free to tell me! English is my second language, so sometimes it's easy to let something slip by.)  
> P.S. If you find the She-Ra reference I sneaked in here, I'll give you a kiss.


End file.
